Thursday, February 23, 2017

Office Dialogue


Coworker: What's difference between a "Contract" and an "Agreement?"
Me: You pay lawyers to read Contracts
Coworker: Then who reads Agreements?
Me: Nobody

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Drops of Youth


Dear Body Shop,

Now I'm not saying no, but I have a few questions:

1) How many youth are harvested to make one bottle of 'youth concentrate'?

2) Are the youth slaughtered using humane methods?

3) Are the youth free range? I don't use factory-farmed youth concentrate products.

4) I'm assuming that the youth are rainforest-friendly. What certifications does the Body Shop hold to show compliance in this area?

5) Do the youth contain ractopamine? This is an important issue because the Americans eat pork with ractopamine in it, and it has made them all go crazy.

6) How much youth concentrate should I drink to eliminate male pattern baldness? How about benign prostatic hyperplasia?

7) If I overdose on youth concentrate, will I become a youth myself? Or will I turn into a fetus? A Spermatozoon?  A glint in my father's eye?



That's it, I give up


Any joke I think of turns out to be real and ten times worse.


Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Subtext


In the movie The Princess Bride, when Westley says "As you wish," what he really means is "I love you."

In the movie The Empire Strikes Back, when Boba Fett says "As you wish," what he really means is"Stick that finger in my face one more time, and I'll disintegrate you, you goofy-looking robotic motherfucker."


Macedonia


"Our country is not in too bad a shape, but our transportation infrastructure needs work. Both road and rail systems need significant upgrades. How should we go forward?"

"Well, the first thing we should do is spend a couple million Euros on a huge statue of Alexander the Great."

"Brilliant idea!"


Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Friday, February 10, 2017

A bunch of people are pissed about this Bannon-Baghdadi graphic from Fox News.




Everyone can calm down now, I fixed it.


Thursday, February 09, 2017



Wednesday, February 08, 2017

Flight Path


I'm no expert in these things, but why isn't that line a smooth arc?

Tuesday, February 07, 2017

Optimum Health

Well yes, but are they **holistic** LOHAS organic solutions? And is there "wellness" involved? How much wellness?
It goes without saying that the LOHAS organic solutions must be gluten-free and fortified with quinoa.


16 Days


Four unruly Balkan nations* subjugated by my imperial shock troops.**

Didn't even make it to Albania. But I got an Albanian flag shirt, which is almost just as good...








* Romania, Greece, Macedonia, and Bulgaria. (Not sure if Greece counts as 'Balkan')
**Actually there was only one shock troop, my wife. But she's a total badass.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Compare and Contrast: EVE vs. IRL


(Seen on Reddit)



IRL has the full breadth of military machines, and it's all done as an FPS (again, like Star Citizen). EVE will never have this as the refresh rate of EVE is 1hz, while the refresh rate of IRL is approximately 5.39e-44 hz.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Public Space Ganked


So now that flatscreen monitors are cheap, advertisers are finding ever more places in which they can use them to grind us further under the boot of industrial capitalism inform us of more delightful products.* So here in Taipei, there are ad-delivering screens in places like the back of taxis, elevators, and doctor's office waiting rooms.

We got some two new ones in our office building last week. Not in the elevators, but above the elevator floor indicators** on the first floor. They are advertising an online game. The game doesn't look very interesting, but what is interesting is the text in the frame above the screen:



上班十分鐘打一場 也能讓你Gank老闆

"Play one round in ten minutes at work, and you can also gank your boss."

It's interesting because of the use of the word "gank.". I learned this word back in the nineties. We used it to mean "steal," but with a connotation less like shoplifting, and more like borrowing your friend's Urge OverKill CD and not ever giving it back. When online games got serious, the meaning shifted to "egregiously kill." Example: if you and your enemy were running around shooting at each other and you finally go the upper hand, then you had killed him. But if he took one shot at you and in response you popped him with a rocket launcher, then you had ganked him.  

But I'm still surprised to see this word being used by Taiwan marketers. I showed five coworkers this picture and asked them if they knew what the English work "gank" meant. Four didn't know, the fifth said "kill in an online game." So I showed it to 14 year-old nephew and asked him. He said that gank means 偷襲 (tōuxí), or "sneak attack." So either the marketing is missing it's mark, or my company has an usually low percentage of gamers.




*Seriously, didn’t William Gibson predict this exact thing like 30 years ago? 

**That's probably not the right way to say that. You know what I mean though - the digital dislay that tells you what floor the elevator is currently on, and which direction it's going.